Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I'm Sorry

Rehab. :(

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Back In The Swing Of Things

After our fun in Turkey, it felt good to be back in my Ely with my family. Lush looked fatter as Nanna'd got her onto chips and gravy, which she loves. She also likes a bit of mushy peas so well into her veg. So I was right to leave when my post-natal depression was at its worst. She was in the safe hands of Nanna.

She got Lush to sleep right through the night by giving her just a tiny drop of gin every night. Apparently it worked on me when I was little and we know it didn't do me no harm, so stuff what the Health Visitor says. She knows nothing. If she threatens to contact Social Services one more time I swear I'll head-butt her and that'll shut her up.

It took a while for Lush to recognise me. She screamed when I walked through the door as though I was some kind of monster, instead of the glamorous world-travelled tanned bird that was the real me. I suppose she'd never seen me with a nice orange tan so she can't be blamed. But once I'd sat down, opened a tin of beer, lit a fag and yelled a bit I think she got fond memories of when she was in me belly, gave me a nice big smile and went into a dreamy sleep.

Tia was so excited to show me her new tattoo of Kylie. Her mate Courtney's dad, Buster, just taught himself how to be a tattoo artist. He's very creative and talented. She was playing round there one day, and he'd just finished designing a tattoo of Kylie, which he offered to practise on Tia for free. It was so kind of him as it would have cost a lot and she couldn't have afforded it with her pocket money.

All that goes on downloading ring-tones on her pink mobile and texting photos of her Bratz and pink ponies to her mates. She said it hurt when he did the tattoo but she had a bottle Calpol to get her through it without moving. I was so proud of her when she told me. Unfortunately Buster was a bit pissed (to ease his nerves) so he forgot one of Kylie's arms, but it just looks as though she's holding something behind her back.

Tyson grunted when he saw me. I knew he was hiding his emotions and wanted to give me a big hug. He muttered something about needing fags and cash, as he'd run out of dope. He said he'd had to get stoned every day when I was away as he'd missed me so much. He'd had to block out the pain. I was so touched I gave him some lovely Turkish stuff I'd nicked off Ali and hidden up my fanny in a kitchen glove (it was all I could find when we were making our escape) so I got it past customs no problem.

Nanna was happy to see me. We celebrated my return by going out for some bingo followed by a kebab. I wanted to give her a taste of the culture I'd experienced.

It was good to be back to grey sky, dirty pavements, white sliced bread and margarine (none of that weird green olive oil that looks like snot). And the fags are better over here even if they are expensive. But Nanna's mate Ron gets them cheap so it's not too bad.

My 1st trip back to Lidls in months was like paradise. Lush sat in the trolley with her bottle I'd top up occasionally with Fanta from the shelf. They even had that funny humus stuff in there.

Ashanti took a while to find all her kids when she got back, but managed to track them down with the help of Social and the police. So we were well happy.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Happy New 2008 - Get Some More Turkey Down Your Neck

Alright my Ely clan, welcome to 2008, what a wicked year it's gonna be. I's spent the last few weeks absolutely mashed on all that Christmas spirit what I was able to get with all the extra Child Benefit from my Lush little Lush.

We had a wicked birthday bash for the little mare, but she was shitting and vomiting the whole party. I think Tia's been feeding her Christmas Advocat Snowballs or something. Little madam. Enough about that though, I still wants to tell you about our wicked Turkey adventure, especially as being Turkey, it's so relevant to Christmas anyway, wicked like.

So yeah, Ashanti and me had a wild few weeks in Turkey, shagging on the beach, eating kebabs, licking ice-cream off our men's chests, trying out new exotic food (something weird called humus they eat with flat chewy bread). It was so romantic. A few girls tried it on with Ali and Tariq but Ashanti and me saw them off.

And anyways, they said they'd never look at any uther girls as long as they had our gorgeous bodies in their lives. We'd bleached our hair nice and blond (even 'down below', if you know what I mean. It stings when you put the bleach on, but worth it). So it looked real natural, and Ali and Tariq said we were just like Marilyn Munroe and Britney Spears (before one topped herself and the other went off her box obviously).

They even liked the way the curves of our bodies and sexy bra-straps left ripples of white contrasting just nice with the ruby red sunburn. Just like strawberries and cream they said. We later changed the red to a nice warm orange with some special tan-cream we nicked off this skinny bird on the beach.

Cat Fighting Bitches But one day this hen load of slags from Glasgow arrive. Me and Ashanti were in Ali's bar sipping cocktails and wiggling our arses to James Blunt, when the hen-bride struts up to Ali and flashes her tits at him. I pull her backwards by her veil, and Ashanti gives her a good slap. She twits round and grabs me hair and starts yelling something I don't understand coz her Scottish accent makes no sense to me. It sounds like she swallowing gravel.

So anbyway, her tits are flying all over the place. Ashanti chucks her cocktail on her and the umbrella gets stuck between her boobs. We roll around on the floor for a bit, her L-plate cutting into my chin and her choking on her veil as it's caught round her neck and smothering her ugly face.

Ali, Tariq and the others in the bar are watching like we some kind of freak show. It was so hurtful they didn't step in and kick the Glasgowegians out. They should have seen how vulnerable Ashanti and me were and carried us off in their arms.

Finally, her Glasgow hen tart mates grab her off and head down to the next bar. I re-adjust myself and tuck everything back in to keep my dignity. Ali pours me and Ashanti a cocktail, lights us a fag and then says in a very shifty way that he and Tariq have to go and see a man about a Turkish dog. It seems very odd. He should have been wanting to stay with me consoling his princess.

We wait around forever, thinking something's up. We decide to go and investigate. We walk round the corner and see down the side alley, only Ali having his way with the Glasgow girl from behind while she's giving Tariq a blow.

Ashanti and me fly down the alley yelling and spitting. Ashanti whacks Tariq with her Burberry handbag and I puts my fag out on Ali's bum. But that still doesn't stop them going at it. It just speeds the three of them up. The only thing that finally makes them stop is the Glaswegian hen throwing up all over Tariq.

It was disgusting ? kebab mixed with vodka & tonic, and even a fag end! Ashanti and me pick up the Glasgow slag's clothes and run off down the alley crying our eyes out over our fragile broken hearts. We goes back to Ali's flat and then to Tariq's. We cut up all their fancy shirts, throw their moustache trimmers and one of each shoe out the window, nick all their cash and cards, and grab our stuff. Ashanti and me get a taxi to the airport and get right pissed in the bar. We end up falling asleep in departures, missing the plane and having to buy another ticket. Didn't cost us nothing though coz I used Ali's credit card. So his tough shit. It was a wicked holiday though.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Cure For Post Natal Depression Is Hot Turkey Lovin'

Sorry bin busy bringing up Lush so not been on the computer in ages. Tia's good at clearing her puke and nappies, but I find it knackering listenin' to Lush crying and winging. I worked out Tia's keen to do it all if I offer her Lush's left over milk and baby food. She thinks it's the best thing since Pringles.

Lush doesn't know how lucky she is to be able to lie around eating, drinking, puking and pissing herself all day with people to clear up after her. When she's older she'll have to clear up her own puke and piss after a good night out, so she should appreciate it while she still can, and laugh a bit more.

Anyways I was going to fill you in my what I'd been up to in between givin' birth to Lush Christmas Eve last year and plugging my computer back in in September.

So I'd had the baby, which had popped out something special. I then read in Chat about something called post-natal depression. I decided I must have it coz I needed to lie down a lot, would give Lush dirty looks and swear if she cried, and then I would go hysterical after a bottle of vodka listening to Celine Dione. I needed to treat myself to what they call "me-time". So Ashanti and me left all our kids in the hands of Nanna, and we got a cheap flight to Faliraki in Turkey. What a brilliant place. It's like Cardiff on a Saturday night but with a bit of heat and more naked bodies.

On the first night I met the most stonking man I had ever seen. He was called Ali and he had this big gold chain, whopping moustache (which turned out to be so horny when it came to muff diving. I tell you girls, make your man grow one, or find a man with a really big one. If you've never had a moustache on your fanny, you've not lived. Forget trying to rummage around for the G spot. Moustache on clit is the modern girl's answer).

So there was Ali staring at me across a moonlit bar on the beach. The Sugarbabes blaring out. People shagging all around. It was paradise. I looked at him. He winked at me. He comes up right up close and whispers in my ear "Dance baby?" He hoiks me up onto the table, and the next thing I know we're gyrating and snogging while a group from Birmingham clap us on, whistle and shout encouragement like "Shag him you slag!" I'll never forget that night - definite cure for postnatal depression.

I'd lost Ashanti. She'd gone off with Ali's cousin, Tariq, as he'd promised to show her some belly dancing tequniques, which work best in the outside bog apparently.

Ali takes me back to his flat and we made Turkish love all night. The next morning I go looking for Ashanti back at the hotel. I walk in on her giving Tariq one mean blowjob. I'm so impressed I stop and stare as she's got this great trick going on where she shoves a finger up him and he's loving it so I make a mental note to remember it for next time.

When Ashanti's finished doing her bit. I wait politely for her to get her breath back and announce I'm in love with Ali and I'm going to live with him. She chokes back what I touchingly think are tears, but it turns out one of Tariq's pubes is stuck at the back of her throat. I give her a glass of beer to clear it. Tariq wipes his hairy chest clean, gets dressed so he can go off to do his being a waiter job. Just before he closes the door he tells Ashanti she can move in with him as he thinks he's in love with her too.

So it's all sorted. Ashanti and me in pretend married bliss in Turkey with our men. The kids are alright back home for the time-being with Nanna coz I'd texted her and she said she's not seen or heard most of them which is a good sign as the police turn up if there's trouble. She texts me a photo of Tia holding Lush and feeding her a bottle of Coke, so I know they is happy.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Introducing Lush Mercedes Bates

Lush Bates in all er glory Yo there! I'm finally back 'ome in my luvely Ely. I know I've not written for a while and you probably bin wondering whatever 'appened to me and me baby. Well my 'boy' only turned out to be a girl. They got it wrong on the scan and what they thought was a prick turned out to an umlical cord or somin'.

She was born Christmas bloody eve. I was swigging some cider, and 'aving a laugh with Tia and Nanna. Tyson was out with 'is mates burning cars that no-one wanted anywayz. All of a sudden my waters broke all over the Christmas presents that Dazza had delivered for Tyson for the 1st time ever. They were all nicely wrapped in girly wrapping paper, so I knows he didn't pay for them and wrap them hisself. I asked no questions. I'm sure he'd got 'em from some toff's house in St Fagans and they're rich enough to get more anywayz. Serves 'em right for looking down their noses at the likes of me and me mates in Ely.

Anywayz, one minute I's is dancing to Madonna and next I'm lying flat on a Bratz doll that's popped out of Tyson's pink wrapped present. I'm groaning and ready to push. The Bratz's hair's all covered in yellow gungy water from my innards and Tia's trying to grab her from under my ass screaming "don't kill Phoebe!"

The baby starts pushing herself out as though ready to fight Tia for the Bratz doll, and Nanna just has time to push her fag back in her mouth so as not to burn me - as she's always thinking of others. She grabs my legs and shoves Tia's cardie under me bits. I'm pushing and puffing. Tia lights me a cigarette which is a great help. I have one more push, a lug of cider and one more drag on me fag and the baby pops out nicely on the cardie. Piece of piss. The baby's lying there and we all go silent (apart from Madonna who's still strutting her stuff) thinking it's dead.

The baby moves, looks up at Nanna who's now chewing nervously on her fag, just a little bit of ash falling on the baby (which is quite picturesk as looks like Christmas snow falling on an angel), and starts yelling like no-one's business. We all burst out laughing. Next door's cat that had fallen asleep on our cooker comes in to have a look at what all the fuss is about, sees the baby and licks all the blood and shit off her. So that saved us a dirty job.

Ashanti stumbles in through the back door with some beer-bellied tattooed woman she picked up (she's going through a lesbo period saying they can't get her pregnant and they fart less). She sees me lying on a blood-soaked cardie, with Nanna leaning over me and Tia playing with a wet dirty Bratz doll. The baby's screaming blue murder and is being licked by the cat.

Ashanti is so shocked (which surprises me as she's seen it all ? it must have been the booze) throws up vodka and coke all over me' Nanna which puts her fag out with a sizzling sound that makes the cat jump. The lesbo obviously thinks it's not her scene and leaves by the back door with the cat followin' behind her with its hair standing on end.

After wettin' the baby's head, Nanna rings the hospital and they come to check me over. I didn't need any stitches as the baby was so easy to push out. Think all those shags over the years and playtime on my 'rabbit' helped loosen my muscles, and the baby was nice and small coz I smoked and drank so that was a bonus.

Anywayz we have a laugh when we think of that night. I've called her Lush. As you know I'd chosen Usher Bentley Bates as thought it'd be a boy. I thought Lush Mercedes Bates had the same eggsotigness to it but in a feminine way. I had to share 'er miraculous birth with you all before I get's on to the nitty gritty of where I's been since then...