Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I's Back, You Don't Wanna Know...
Well, its been a couple of weeks since I last posted and all hell has broken loose. Basically I's start at the beginning, 'cos if I don't it'll be in the wrong order. What happened was that remember last time I told you about that bloke I shagged on the way home from Club Rumours? Well, he only turned back up 'ere a few days afterwards with some lush flowers for me and a box of Milk Tray (mucho romantic) and needless to say me toes didn't stop curling for a week.
To be honest with you loves, its been a bit of a dry spell other than the Six Nations weekend - so I was happy to oblige. Can't say I fancied 'im, but its saved a few quid on Duracells.
Anyway, last Saturday there's a knock at the door and its some shrew-faced tart with a dozen big rings and face full of acne starring at me with a rage. Next thing I know she's got my hair and is dragging me into the garden scream 'you been shaggin' my Calvin?!', 'dirty slapper' and all sorts of obscenities I won't mention here. Standing there at the end of the patio looking all sheepish is me new fella, looking like Tia does when she's caught with her face in the biscuit barrel.
Obviously, not to happy about this I grab her hair and give her scrawny-arsed Council facelift an added intensity. So then Calvin (or John as he told me) is there trying to seperate us and pull her off me. Then the slaps start coming in from his harpy. Turns out she's his wife, but can I help he never mentioned it? Didn't seem to concern her when I shouted he hadn't.
There was nothing to this cow, and I'd drawn blood with a nifty Ninja punch that Tyson show'd me from a Steven Segal film. Before I knows it though, flying over the wall like a giant sack of spuds come me next door best pal 'Shanti, and before I knows it she's laying on top of the pair of them, out flat, diggin' punches to their heads. I started in with me Nike.
Now then, you try getting the law 'ere when they're really needed. You won't see them for dust. A little domestic like this and what do you know? To top it all, the flamin' rozzers appear from nowhere to break it all up.
In the struggle they CS'd Ashanti, who by this time was off on one and bouncing on the pair like a kid on an inflateable. She lost her footing, tripped and broke her ankle.
Anyway's, no charges laid and I can tell you now, I won't be seeing him again. Worse still, its a week later this is the first chance I've had to update my diary. I've spent the time cooking burgers and chips to keep 'Shanti's kids happy, as well as running up and down stairs with tea, biscuits and ice-cream to keep the girl herself happy. Believe me she can put them away. I'd go on, but its almost time for their mid evening treat and corrie. C'ya laters loves.
Posted by Chav Mum at 7:13 PM
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