Tuesday, May 31, 2005

All Tied Up On Celebrity Love Island

I sees that Big Brother programme where they shoves all them intellectuals in a room and watches them debate has returned on the Channel 4. I never got into that as they are always just posh celebrity wannabes on that show. It's not going to get me away from the real proper celebrities on the unmissable Celebrity Love Island. Who gives a frig about camp media students when you can watch Abi Titmus strut her stuff?

It was good to see 'em all tied up in ropes and snogging and stuff last night - it made me laugh me tits off because it reminded me of one of Ashanti's adventures. I know she won't mind me sharing it as she does every time she's pissed.

Ashanti's Furry Handcuffs The big girl has always had a thing about being tied to the bed, she had some furry handcuffs in the drawer and had been waiting for the right time to use 'em on her new fella. She had been with a bloke known only as C J a few weeks when she sprung the urge to use 'em on him.

I've already mentioned you can pretty much hear anything through the walls - well on the fateful night I heard screaming, lots of it, Ashanti calling out "'elp! 'Elp! Rotten bastard, come back 'ere!" and all sorts. Then her kids came knocking on the door. "Mummy's trapped! Come help mummy Shazza!"

So in we goes, panicking and full of trepidation - up the stairs, into the bedroom... And there it is, a site that makes me shudder every time it comes to mind - 23 stone of naked Ashanti handcuffed to the bed and blindfolded. So I sent the kids out (they looked pretty traumatised) and threw a duvet over the snarling mound of shuddering lady beast, removed the blindfold and calmed her down. I sent one of the nippers to get Tyson's wire snips and cut her free.

So after she's all calmed, the kids are settled and she's necked a few it all comes out. She's got C J excited, told her what she wanted him to do to her, let him cuff her up. He sounded like he was well up for as well she said. So he locked her up, blindfolded her and with a sneer said 'you really think I'm into this kinky shit? I'm off to the pub you weirdo.'

So he did, he took the week's child allowance out of her purse and went and got shitfaced. Not long after C J was K O'd when she got her hands on him. There was no happy make up after that, and I've not been able to eat or even look at cooked liver ever since. Poor girl.

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