Saturday, September 15, 2007
Introducing Lush Mercedes Bates
Yo there! I'm finally back 'ome in my luvely Ely. I know I've not written for a while and you probably bin wondering whatever 'appened to me and me baby. Well my 'boy' only turned out to be a girl. They got it wrong on the scan and what they thought was a prick turned out to an umlical cord or somin'.
She was born Christmas bloody eve. I was swigging some cider, and 'aving a laugh with Tia and Nanna. Tyson was out with 'is mates burning cars that no-one wanted anywayz. All of a sudden my waters broke all over the Christmas presents that Dazza had delivered for Tyson for the 1st time ever. They were all nicely wrapped in girly wrapping paper, so I knows he didn't pay for them and wrap them hisself. I asked no questions. I'm sure he'd got 'em from some toff's house in St Fagans and they're rich enough to get more anywayz. Serves 'em right for looking down their noses at the likes of me and me mates in Ely.
Anywayz, one minute I's is dancing to Madonna and next I'm lying flat on a Bratz doll that's popped out of Tyson's pink wrapped present. I'm groaning and ready to push. The Bratz's hair's all covered in yellow gungy water from my innards and Tia's trying to grab her from under my ass screaming "don't kill Phoebe!"
The baby starts pushing herself out as though ready to fight Tia for the Bratz doll, and Nanna just has time to push her fag back in her mouth so as not to burn me - as she's always thinking of others. She grabs my legs and shoves Tia's cardie under me bits. I'm pushing and puffing. Tia lights me a cigarette which is a great help. I have one more push, a lug of cider and one more drag on me fag and the baby pops out nicely on the cardie. Piece of piss. The baby's lying there and we all go silent (apart from Madonna who's still strutting her stuff) thinking it's dead.
The baby moves, looks up at Nanna who's now chewing nervously on her fag, just a little bit of ash falling on the baby (which is quite picturesk as looks like Christmas snow falling on an angel), and starts yelling like no-one's business. We all burst out laughing. Next door's cat that had fallen asleep on our cooker comes in to have a look at what all the fuss is about, sees the baby and licks all the blood and shit off her. So that saved us a dirty job.
Ashanti stumbles in through the back door with some beer-bellied tattooed woman she picked up (she's going through a lesbo period saying they can't get her pregnant and they fart less). She sees me lying on a blood-soaked cardie, with Nanna leaning over me and Tia playing with a wet dirty Bratz doll. The baby's screaming blue murder and is being licked by the cat.
Ashanti is so shocked (which surprises me as she's seen it all ? it must have been the booze) throws up vodka and coke all over me' Nanna which puts her fag out with a sizzling sound that makes the cat jump. The lesbo obviously thinks it's not her scene and leaves by the back door with the cat followin' behind her with its hair standing on end.
After wettin' the baby's head, Nanna rings the hospital and they come to check me over. I didn't need any stitches as the baby was so easy to push out. Think all those shags over the years and playtime on my 'rabbit' helped loosen my muscles, and the baby was nice and small coz I smoked and drank so that was a bonus.
Anywayz we have a laugh when we think of that night. I've called her Lush. As you know I'd chosen Usher Bentley Bates as thought it'd be a boy. I thought Lush Mercedes Bates had the same eggsotigness to it but in a feminine way. I had to share 'er miraculous birth with you all before I get's on to the nitty gritty of where I's been since then...
Posted by Chav Mum at 4:57 PM
3 Comments:
Thank you for sharing your AMAZING birth story. Lush is a perfect name, bless her. Please don't wait too long to post more.
Have you bought the young lass a Burberry bib with a matching bling bling dummy yet?
is this a piss take!!! u honestly just got off and fucked some turkish guy why your children were at home!!! theirs no such thing as me time after having children! if you want me time keep your legs closed!!!!!
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