Friday, November 16, 2007
The Cure For Post Natal Depression Is Hot Turkey Lovin'
Sorry bin busy bringing up Lush so not been on the computer in ages. Tia's good at clearing her puke and nappies, but I find it knackering listenin' to Lush crying and winging. I worked out Tia's keen to do it all if I offer her Lush's left over milk and baby food. She thinks it's the best thing since Pringles.
Lush doesn't know how lucky she is to be able to lie around eating, drinking, puking and pissing herself all day with people to clear up after her. When she's older she'll have to clear up her own puke and piss after a good night out, so she should appreciate it while she still can, and laugh a bit more.
Anyways I was going to fill you in my what I'd been up to in between givin' birth to Lush Christmas Eve last year and plugging my computer back in in September.
So I'd had the baby, which had popped out something special. I then read in Chat about something called post-natal depression. I decided I must have it coz I needed to lie down a lot, would give Lush dirty looks and swear if she cried, and then I would go hysterical after a bottle of vodka listening to Celine Dione. I needed to treat myself to what they call "me-time". So Ashanti and me left all our kids in the hands of Nanna, and we got a cheap flight to Faliraki in Turkey. What a brilliant place. It's like Cardiff on a Saturday night but with a bit of heat and more naked bodies.
On the first night I met the most stonking man I had ever seen. He was called Ali and he had this big gold chain, whopping moustache (which turned out to be so horny when it came to muff diving. I tell you girls, make your man grow one, or find a man with a really big one. If you've never had a moustache on your fanny, you've not lived. Forget trying to rummage around for the G spot. Moustache on clit is the modern girl's answer).
So there was Ali staring at me across a moonlit bar on the beach. The Sugarbabes blaring out. People shagging all around. It was paradise. I looked at him. He winked at me. He comes up right up close and whispers in my ear "Dance baby?" He hoiks me up onto the table, and the next thing I know we're gyrating and snogging while a group from Birmingham clap us on, whistle and shout encouragement like "Shag him you slag!" I'll never forget that night - definite cure for postnatal depression.
I'd lost Ashanti. She'd gone off with Ali's cousin, Tariq, as he'd promised to show her some belly dancing tequniques, which work best in the outside bog apparently.
Ali takes me back to his flat and we made Turkish love all night. The next morning I go looking for Ashanti back at the hotel. I walk in on her giving Tariq one mean blowjob. I'm so impressed I stop and stare as she's got this great trick going on where she shoves a finger up him and he's loving it so I make a mental note to remember it for next time.
When Ashanti's finished doing her bit. I wait politely for her to get her breath back and announce I'm in love with Ali and I'm going to live with him. She chokes back what I touchingly think are tears, but it turns out one of Tariq's pubes is stuck at the back of her throat. I give her a glass of beer to clear it. Tariq wipes his hairy chest clean, gets dressed so he can go off to do his being a waiter job. Just before he closes the door he tells Ashanti she can move in with him as he thinks he's in love with her too.
So it's all sorted. Ashanti and me in pretend married bliss in Turkey with our men. The kids are alright back home for the time-being with Nanna coz I'd texted her and she said she's not seen or heard most of them which is a good sign as the police turn up if there's trouble. She texts me a photo of Tia holding Lush and feeding her a bottle of Coke, so I know they is happy.
Posted by Chav Mum at 11:02 PM
3 Comments:
hi there.. i'm in advertising and as i don't know how else to contact you i'm wondering if you could help me?
i've got a project of advertising breastfeeding to...well lets say your kind..(the brief beats around the bush a bit but basically chav mums) i was hoping you could let me know if this is something you would consider doing? if you were aware of the benefits.. if so how would you expect the tone of voice to be with the likes of yourself i.e authorative, polite funny etc what would appeal to you? would you be intersted in what it could do to help your child? (which it does a great deal) or what it would do for you? (which is also very beneficial) much apreciated if you can give some insight? thanks! p.s very colourful picture you paint of yourself
Hi anon! Soz love, not interested in wrecking me tits for no baban. Cow and Gate all the way here and proud of it.
You alright darling. Love the blog - us chavs need to stick together and get our voices heard. There's too many middle class nobodies on the net these days.
I've been getting all kinds of abuse for my blog, hope the same don't happen to you.
Take a look: http://www.leefist.blogspot.com/
Link swap?
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