Friday, January 04, 2008
Happy New 2008 - Get Some More Turkey Down Your Neck
Alright my Ely clan, welcome to 2008, what a wicked year it's gonna be. I's spent the last few weeks absolutely mashed on all that Christmas spirit what I was able to get with all the extra Child Benefit from my Lush little Lush.
We had a wicked birthday bash for the little mare, but she was shitting and vomiting the whole party. I think Tia's been feeding her Christmas Advocat Snowballs or something. Little madam. Enough about that though, I still wants to tell you about our wicked Turkey adventure, especially as being Turkey, it's so relevant to Christmas anyway, wicked like.
So yeah, Ashanti and me had a wild few weeks in Turkey, shagging on the beach, eating kebabs, licking ice-cream off our men's chests, trying out new exotic food (something weird called humus they eat with flat chewy bread). It was so romantic. A few girls tried it on with Ali and Tariq but Ashanti and me saw them off.
And anyways, they said they'd never look at any uther girls as long as they had our gorgeous bodies in their lives. We'd bleached our hair nice and blond (even 'down below', if you know what I mean. It stings when you put the bleach on, but worth it). So it looked real natural, and Ali and Tariq said we were just like Marilyn Munroe and Britney Spears (before one topped herself and the other went off her box obviously).
They even liked the way the curves of our bodies and sexy bra-straps left ripples of white contrasting just nice with the ruby red sunburn. Just like strawberries and cream they said. We later changed the red to a nice warm orange with some special tan-cream we nicked off this skinny bird on the beach.
But one day this hen load of slags from Glasgow arrive. Me and Ashanti were in Ali's bar sipping cocktails and wiggling our arses to James Blunt, when the hen-bride struts up to Ali and flashes her tits at him. I pull her backwards by her veil, and Ashanti gives her a good slap. She twits round and grabs me hair and starts yelling something I don't understand coz her Scottish accent makes no sense to me. It sounds like she swallowing gravel.
So anbyway, her tits are flying all over the place. Ashanti chucks her cocktail on her and the umbrella gets stuck between her boobs. We roll around on the floor for a bit, her L-plate cutting into my chin and her choking on her veil as it's caught round her neck and smothering her ugly face.
Ali, Tariq and the others in the bar are watching like we some kind of freak show. It was so hurtful they didn't step in and kick the Glasgowegians out. They should have seen how vulnerable Ashanti and me were and carried us off in their arms.
Finally, her Glasgow hen tart mates grab her off and head down to the next bar. I re-adjust myself and tuck everything back in to keep my dignity. Ali pours me and Ashanti a cocktail, lights us a fag and then says in a very shifty way that he and Tariq have to go and see a man about a Turkish dog. It seems very odd. He should have been wanting to stay with me consoling his princess.
We wait around forever, thinking something's up. We decide to go and investigate. We walk round the corner and see down the side alley, only Ali having his way with the Glasgow girl from behind while she's giving Tariq a blow.
Ashanti and me fly down the alley yelling and spitting. Ashanti whacks Tariq with her Burberry handbag and I puts my fag out on Ali's bum. But that still doesn't stop them going at it. It just speeds the three of them up. The only thing that finally makes them stop is the Glaswegian hen throwing up all over Tariq.
It was disgusting ? kebab mixed with vodka & tonic, and even a fag end! Ashanti and me pick up the Glasgow slag's clothes and run off down the alley crying our eyes out over our fragile broken hearts. We goes back to Ali's flat and then to Tariq's. We cut up all their fancy shirts, throw their moustache trimmers and one of each shoe out the window, nick all their cash and cards, and grab our stuff. Ashanti and me get a taxi to the airport and get right pissed in the bar. We end up falling asleep in departures, missing the plane and having to buy another ticket. Didn't cost us nothing though coz I used Ali's credit card. So his tough shit. It was a wicked holiday though.
Posted by Chav Mum at 4:11 PM
3 Comments:
You are so violent.
Did you bring Lush back anything nice?
Aye US, I did, a cold sore and a bad case of Turkish belly. She was shitting through the eye of a needle for a week. Little mite.
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