Monday, April 25, 2005
Who Won?
Man, I's been so busy with stuff I don't know who won the election? I hope it was that nice man that came to the door dressed in the blue tie and pinstripe. He promised to remove all the criminals from the estate - which would be great but then there'd be no bugger around to talk too. Anyway, I kept him talking for ages, getting his views on the welfare state and the like. He didn't look too happy though, when he returned to his car too find his alloy's had been pinched. Ouch.
Anyway, a bit of fiddling by Tyson and the Saxo is running fine now, the new wheels look ace and to top it all, finally Shanti's back on her feet thankfully. She's also been on her back a lot as well, she's been having a shagathon since Nigel (dad of child #2) came back to look after her last week. They made up quick and have been at it hammer and tongs - sounded like they were coming through the wall on a couple of occasions. Scary stuff - the porcelain pig almost fell off the MFI dresser.
Anyway, turns out his latest wife kicked him out for never paying any rent and for selling all her Burberry kit down Splott Car Boot, before going out on the piss and shagging some tart from Riverside.
Shanti always was a sucker though, and has taken him in no questions - a whiff of a good hump elsewhere and he'll be on his way, but you can't tell 'er that. Nigel can stay for now - but I suppose it'll be me that has to pick up the pieces again. Still, sounds like she's enjoying making the most of it while it lasts.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Vote For Chav Mum
Apparently there's an election on this week. This morning me phone went and what do you know - it was someone from the BBC Breakfast Show to see if they could send a satellite truck to me house tomorrow to do some interviews with the family about who we vote for.
Seems they found me through this site and contacted the webmaster for me number. They were looking for some Council House doleys to interview about our intentions to vote and what was important to me. Me heart jumped, I saw the pounds signs flutter and said yes instantly.
Then I asked how much we would get - and she said nothing. On top of that we'd have to be up at 5.30 in the AM to set-up. The thought of speaking to that Welsh bird Sian Williams was not enough payment or incentive to get the family and neighbours out of bed at that unholy hour, despite the fact I liked her and used to enjoy her weather reports. Needless to say I told them to eff-off.
Free! Nothing! Zip! What a load of rubbish - when Ashanti did that Trisha Show about all the kids and their different dads, she got driven down to the studio, pissed for free and a nice little back hander for jumping up and slapping the one dad they had tracked down. She wouldn't have gone otherwise...
Monday, April 11, 2005
Welcome Break
And I don't mean those robbin' b'stards of motorway services either. £3.50 for a cup of tea and a limp piece of toast. They should be lined up and shot. You feel cheated even after you've pinched the teapot, cups and cutlery.
Anyways, I digress - at the moment the chance to get on the motorway would just be nice. I've gotten a nice break of me Ashanti duties as Nanna's moved in next door with her for the weekend as I was out on the piss and happy to not have to cook anymore fry-ups. Bit of an uneventful weekend really, got a snog in Kiwi's Saturday night but the useless RSOD passed out before I could get him home. I was too mingin' to get him down the lane and suspect I would have struggled to get any attention if I had. Needless to say I left him crumpled like a half-drained scrotum somewhere between the Castle Bingo and O'Dwyer's.
Anyway's dinnertime next door is like being mamma bird with six smelly and snapping creatures fighting for the biggest share of French fries and turkey twizzlers and fried leftovers.
It's crazy, she only broke here ankle but has taken to her bed like she's was the pope on his last days - first chance I get I'll be whacking her forehead with flamin' silver hammer.
Only a few weeks left before the cast comes off, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, one of the kid's father's is coming to stay next week. Not sure if I've met this one or not - we'll find out next week.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Gavin Henson And Charlotte Church Mobile Phone Picture
Well, I was shocked to see that a load of you have come here searching for Gavin Henson and Charlotte Church, looking at me search log. No doubt looking for the famous stolen mobile phone photograph of our Charlotte topless. Typical in it! Anyway - as it happens, Tyson was forwarded a copy the night the camera was stolen. Far be it from me to not give you what you want - you can see it here.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I's Back, You Don't Wanna Know...
Well, its been a couple of weeks since I last posted and all hell has broken loose. Basically I's start at the beginning, 'cos if I don't it'll be in the wrong order. What happened was that remember last time I told you about that bloke I shagged on the way home from Club Rumours? Well, he only turned back up 'ere a few days afterwards with some lush flowers for me and a box of Milk Tray (mucho romantic) and needless to say me toes didn't stop curling for a week.
To be honest with you loves, its been a bit of a dry spell other than the Six Nations weekend - so I was happy to oblige. Can't say I fancied 'im, but its saved a few quid on Duracells.
Anyway, last Saturday there's a knock at the door and its some shrew-faced tart with a dozen big rings and face full of acne starring at me with a rage. Next thing I know she's got my hair and is dragging me into the garden scream 'you been shaggin' my Calvin?!', 'dirty slapper' and all sorts of obscenities I won't mention here. Standing there at the end of the patio looking all sheepish is me new fella, looking like Tia does when she's caught with her face in the biscuit barrel.
Obviously, not to happy about this I grab her hair and give her scrawny-arsed Council facelift an added intensity. So then Calvin (or John as he told me) is there trying to seperate us and pull her off me. Then the slaps start coming in from his harpy. Turns out she's his wife, but can I help he never mentioned it? Didn't seem to concern her when I shouted he hadn't.
There was nothing to this cow, and I'd drawn blood with a nifty Ninja punch that Tyson show'd me from a Steven Segal film. Before I knows it though, flying over the wall like a giant sack of spuds come me next door best pal 'Shanti, and before I knows it she's laying on top of the pair of them, out flat, diggin' punches to their heads. I started in with me Nike.
Now then, you try getting the law 'ere when they're really needed. You won't see them for dust. A little domestic like this and what do you know? To top it all, the flamin' rozzers appear from nowhere to break it all up.
In the struggle they CS'd Ashanti, who by this time was off on one and bouncing on the pair like a kid on an inflateable. She lost her footing, tripped and broke her ankle.
Anyway's, no charges laid and I can tell you now, I won't be seeing him again. Worse still, its a week later this is the first chance I've had to update my diary. I've spent the time cooking burgers and chips to keep 'Shanti's kids happy, as well as running up and down stairs with tea, biscuits and ice-cream to keep the girl herself happy. Believe me she can put them away. I'd go on, but its almost time for their mid evening treat and corrie. C'ya laters loves.
