Tuesday, May 31, 2005
All Tied Up On Celebrity Love Island
I sees that Big Brother programme where they shoves all them intellectuals in a room and watches them debate has returned on the Channel 4. I never got into that as they are always just posh celebrity wannabes on that show. It's not going to get me away from the real proper celebrities on the unmissable Celebrity Love Island. Who gives a frig about camp media students when you can watch Abi Titmus strut her stuff?
It was good to see 'em all tied up in ropes and snogging and stuff last night - it made me laugh me tits off because it reminded me of one of Ashanti's adventures. I know she won't mind me sharing it as she does every time she's pissed.
The big girl has always had a thing about being tied to the bed, she had some furry handcuffs in the drawer and had been waiting for the right time to use 'em on her new fella. She had been with a bloke known only as C J a few weeks when she sprung the urge to use 'em on him.
I've already mentioned you can pretty much hear anything through the walls - well on the fateful night I heard screaming, lots of it, Ashanti calling out "'elp! 'Elp! Rotten bastard, come back 'ere!" and all sorts. Then her kids came knocking on the door. "Mummy's trapped! Come help mummy Shazza!"
So in we goes, panicking and full of trepidation - up the stairs, into the bedroom... And there it is, a site that makes me shudder every time it comes to mind - 23 stone of naked Ashanti handcuffed to the bed and blindfolded. So I sent the kids out (they looked pretty traumatised) and threw a duvet over the snarling mound of shuddering lady beast, removed the blindfold and calmed her down. I sent one of the nippers to get Tyson's wire snips and cut her free.
So after she's all calmed, the kids are settled and she's necked a few it all comes out. She's got C J excited, told her what she wanted him to do to her, let him cuff her up. He sounded like he was well up for as well she said. So he locked her up, blindfolded her and with a sneer said 'you really think I'm into this kinky shit? I'm off to the pub you weirdo.'
So he did, he took the week's child allowance out of her purse and went and got shitfaced. Not long after C J was K O'd when she got her hands on him. There was no happy make up after that, and I've not been able to eat or even look at cooked liver ever since. Poor girl.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Ding! Ding!
Yeah - I loved this tune first time it came out when it was the theme for Dynasty or something. Its been remixed for a whole new generation and I'm loving as much as Tyson and Tia. Talk about memories, I'll never forget Dazza grabbing me arse to the original down the Friday School Disco, talk about foreplay!
We should do a Crazy Tia version, because everytime she gets up to dance to this she looks like a crazy blancmange on a trampoline. Maybe call her that Crazy Tia Trampolina! Tyson's been playing the Drum 'n' Bass version all day, been non-stop. Shanti's got it blaring as well. The Goth family's face is priceless when they walk past.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Crazy Chick From The Ely Estate
Poor Tyson, if his young oats ain't being inflamed from constant exposure to Billie Piper on the TV, he's now got new ammunition in the shape of Chav Mum's favourite local girl Charlotte Church.
She can do no wrong in my book, even if she did steal me Gavin off me (I wish!) - but I have lots of respect for the girl - coming from nothing like - it's tough here on the estate and its always good to see one of our own escape. Anyway, he saw her video for the new single Crazy Chick on CD:UK this morning, and with all that ample belly gyrating and hip thrusting going on, he's been in and out of the toilet all day.
He says he's got the runs, I beg to differ - he's been walking bow-legged and hunched over all afternoon. I notice with some amusement her new album is called Tissues and Issues. Well I got issues with tissues me love, and that's who's going to pay for more Andrex come the end of the week - the rolls are disappearing faster than Kyle Johnson's kiss and tell money.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
No - It Couldn't Be!
I think Ashanti was in Swansea yesterday, trying to find one of the boys' dads to get some money out of 'em. It would certainly explain why she has a big lump on her head this morning.
She certainly goes through the old HyperValue double A's at a frightening rate, but I thought she kept that to the privacy of her own home... Kinky Pants KO Asda Shopper - She's a classy one that Ashanti, just glad the kids weren't there with her.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Tear Jerker
Well, I've just stopped mopping my eyes after watching the new Doctor Who, sad, sad story of going back in time to visit dead parents. I was still recovering from another lager head from last night when Tyson put last nights episode on the video.
I haven't watched it till now, but he's been glued to it. I think its Billy Piper that does it, he's had a crush on her since he was nine. He was well gutted when she shacked up with that Timmy Mallet bloke. Poor little Tyson got into so much trouble, he kept beating up the ging-ger kid with the glasses in his school.
Even Tia loves our Billie - she's watching the show religously also. I thinks she admires her as she proves that you can be famous even if your head is too big for your body and still have a bit of puppy fat under the hood - Tia relates to the that in a big way.
As far as I'm concerned, that Christopher Ecclescake could give us a good seeing too anytime. In fact, he reminds me a lot of bloke that got his hands all over the shop 'ere outside Rumours this time last year. The spit of him he was. It'd be nice to think it was him himself, but I can't for the life of me imagine why Christopher Ecclescake would be in Cardiff, he's a northerner.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
What Is A Chav?
I's noticed a few of you come here looking to find out "what a Chav is" (at least that's what the webmaster told me). Buzz word of the moment in it? Footballer's Wives advert mentions it, documentaries on Sky and Five, its in all the trendy papers and all the 'so-called' cool students hate them.
Well now, let me tell you what it means. It's a flaming insult and a cheek. It really gets on my tits to hear it everywhere all the time by smart arsed people who think they's better than us because they've kissed enough arse to earn some money and work for a livin' (more fool them I say).
"Oh, yes, I like opera and goth music, I've got a pointless degree and a shitty job in the media. Who can I knock? Let's see, the disabled or foreigners? Nope, haven't the balls to do that... I know! Poor people - they can't fight back can they?" Well let me tell you something. Just because you think you got better values and tastes than us, then you're wrong. They're not better they're just different.
We's happy the way we are, we may not have had the opportunities or good upbringing you had - but let me tell you now. We live faster, laugh longer, f**k harder, fight stronger and enjoy life ten thousands more than you poncy arsed name callers - so there.
On that token, me webmaster friend has finally got my lovely tests sorted out to do online. Tyson pinched 'em from somewhere for you to have some fun. So now you can see if you is Chav or Posh. Here's my scores:
No surprise there really... Do 'em yourself.
*I's on me ninth can of Carling, excuse the outburst - its got me goat tonight.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
A Sniff Of Summer
Phew! Been a nice little weekend weather wise. A real taste of summer to come hopefully.
I was even able to get out the old miniskirt today and sit on me arse recovering from getting mashed with 'Shanti last night (things just about back to normal there). I loves getting the mini and Von Dutch vest top on, it's been a long cold winter and its good to get some air to the old girl and cheeks.
It was a nice moment off peace. Tyson was working on the Saxo putting a new custom built zorst on. He puts a lot of effort into that car considering he's not even 'legally' old enough to drive it (not that it stops him). So now we got a big arsed 4 barreled blower on the back, and what with the new alloys it looks top marks.
I would have taken it out for a spin but I'd had a few Stella's over lunch, listening to UB40 blast out the window, nicely drowning out the pum, pum, pum of two door's down's drum and bass and the annoying goth families' wailing dirge from three doors up the other side. Giro day tomorrow, so I'll give it a blast then.
Monday, May 02, 2005
The Fat Lady Sang
Its all over. Ashanti dumped (and thumped) Nigel. Good for her, but talk about a scene, practically the whole street came out the front doors at the ruckus. It all happened a few hours ago - I could see the kids were locked out in the garden and the Dido album came on, which could only mean one thing - shag time.
The last few weeks I've learnt to dread the sound of Dido's crooning, as its not long before the dresser and walls are rattling. I was about to grab Tia Marie and take her out the house to get a can of Prince's Jumbo Hotdogs from the corner shop for tea. Seconds later there was a loud scream and Dido screeched off.
The walls are thin at the best of times, but 'Shanti was so loud I didn't need to put me ear to it. "You dirty bastard! You effin' wacker! Look at it! Look at it! Dirty bastard! Get your hands off me! I'll give you, you loves me *THUMP* Get out! Get out! You said you loved me!" I heard her screaming - then I heard our Nigel shouting back - "I does loves you love, you know I does - she never meant a thing, you know's I feckin' loves you."
Next thing I hear is a thump, thump, thump (Nigel rolling down the stairs as it turns out) and the kids in the back yard are screaming and Nigel's screaming and Ashanti's throwing stuff out the window (by which time I'm in the garden and the neigbours are on doorstops.) More screaming, Ashanti bitchslaps him some, joined by the kids and next thing Nigel's running for his life clutching some clothes and his trousers, blood dripping from nose and lips. I don't mind saying it was a fitting departure for the little weasel.
So, I manages to calm her down with some Vodka and Ice Cream. Turns he went on his own to the Grandslam 2005 celebration party at the Millennium Stadium today. Ashanti wasn't quite up to it, she's still wobbly on her feet. Anyways, he comes in pissed up and huggy, and Ashanti's got an itchy one, so they get to it.
That's when she found it. Lipstick. Lipstick where it shouldn't have been. A ring of it in fact - and that's what sparked it all off. She's gone back to bed now - I can hear her singing drunkenly through the wall - Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive. And when the fat lady sings - I goes to bed.
