Chav Mum

Peace On Earth, But No Goodwill To All Men

Well, as it's the season of Christmas near enough, at least in the local SPAR, I thought I give you an update on what I is up to. I's sworn off the male of the species now till the new year. I've not heard from that horror I almost fell for, he's not contacted me about the baby or anything.

All the more shame for him, I had my last scan a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to share it sooner, but I had to wait for Tyson to get a scanner off his friend at PC world at Culverhouse Cross. So, here is my little darling fella. He's a boy, that's right, they confirmed it. I is calling him Usher Bentley Bates. Tyson pimped him out for me.

I feel like a lump, my legs are all swollen and I can only drink two or three cans of the Carling before I feels like throwing up. I managed to give up the fags for a couple of days, but I figure what the hell - he can handle the withdrawl when he's on the maternity ward. By the time he leaves the ward he'll be over the nicotine. If one more woman at the Bingo tells me not to 'ave a fag whilst I'm playing, I will smack them out - they're doing my head in.

Tia's been good as gold, she built a nest in her bedroom for the baby, she thinks it's a Christmas present for her. She's been saving Pringles in a little plastic box to keep him fed. Love her. She got sent home from school again the other day for sitting on the other girls. I's better off keeping her home with me I think.

I hate men. I'm sorry, it's not just the lump talking, if one more bloke on MySpace offers to come arounds and give me a 'no-strings-attached' shag, I will chop the knob off the next one I sees. Hormones? Word! Back to it.

The End Of Welsh Burberry

Oh no. I'm devastated. I just read this awful news - Burberry is closing. I can hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth all down Grand Avenue and from the hills of Llanedyn. My beloved Burberry is to close it's doors and stop making it's fine gear. So you know what that means. No more kosher Burberry, we's going to be stuck with the Splott Market knock offs from now.

To be honest, I didn't even know it was made in Wales, I always thought it was from North England as it's like them skirts the English blokes wear when they come down for the Rugby. Knowing it's going just make me that little bit sadder, especially now I know it's homegrown. Tyson's cap collection will be going on Ebay when he finds out how rare it now is.

Nice Bit Of Action

Well, me and Shant's had a wicked bit of action after Saturday night. We ended up copping this pair of blokes from Caerphilly. They'd come into Cardiff for a change, to see some real life and things that are actually powered by electricity and not steam.

Being from Caerphilly, they were already married so we ended up bringing them back up our end rather than having to go out to that hell hole. We had a wicked night in Rumors, got well tanked, danced, and had a massive snog round the back room. I was well up for it, couldn't wait to get my bloke home, me thong was soaked. Feels like such a long time since I've done anything. It was great to get back on the horse, or donkey, as he was.

It was all wonderful, but then after the loving he had to go but wanted to see me again, and I flipped out on him. He'd said he was married so it wasn't a secret, but then the thought of him carrying on with it just reminded me of Deke and the stinking thing he did to me. I ended up screaming and booting him out of the house. Don't know how he got home, don't care.

It will be interesting to see how he explains away the massive love bite on his neck as well, but he said his wife was from Aberdare, so she'll probably think it's a birthmark. I couldn't help meself.

I think's I's going to have to calm down a bit now, babs has been kicking ever since - I don't think he / she enjoyed being shaken up like that. So that's it. Booze and sex on weekends only - fags in the afternoon - and I'm feeling strong enough to get on with my life now, I needed that blow out.

To Hell With You Deke

That's it, no more misery. Writing about the mess I found myself in has helped me get my misery off my chest, thanks to everyone who sent regards and thoughts, it meant the world and was just wicked sweet.

Ok, tonight I's off to get well drunk and pull, before me ever expanding bump starts to give away my condition. I can just about get away with huge beer gut for now, but no longer. Ashanti and I are off to the Canton Castle for the main session, then when we've filled up on breezers and bitter, we's off to Rumours. It feels like I's not been there for ages. I can't wait, I's well gagging for it.

Deke, you're gone - you had the chance, but you was too greedy. Now it's my turn to get greedy, so stay tuned for the Chav Mum post-break up and near miss S.H.A.G.A.T.H.O.N. (Shazza's Horny And Getting A Top Humpin' Out Nightclubbin'.) Best of all, it's not like I needs any contraception, it's not like I can get pregnant again is it! I's gonna be raw come the morning.

If you's in Rumours tonight and a mad lady with a big belly jumps on you and tries to drag you into the toilets, don't fight it, chances are that's me. Come on!

Broken Hearted Single Mum Seeks Honest Man

This is probably the hardest thing I've written in my life. I've put off doing it as it's only the last few days I've felt human enough to do it. The short story is this. Deke is a lying scum bag waster and I'm A. Not married, B. To be a single mum for the third time and C. Off men completely.

Thanks to everyone who sent support prior to the wedding that never was - and all the contact since asking me if I was still up for it, despite my being married - you've confirmed my now jaded opinion on the male animal.

So - no nice wedding pictures to show you, or romantic tales of honeymoon bliss. Instead we have a sorry trail of deceit and lies and four weeks in bed sobbing my eyes out and drowning my sorrow in booze and pills.

So this is what happened. On the stag night, Tyson and Deke ended up in the Fantasy Lounge. According to Tyson, Deke was absolutely pee'd up. He was off getting a private dance, and had left his phone with Tyson and his friends. The phone went off and Tyson answered it. The woman said where's my husband? Tyson said 'what the hell?' just as Deke returned.

Deke snatched the phone off him and mumbled something into it, by which time Tyson was in his face asking who the woman was. Deke was too drunk to think and told him. It was his wife. Not his French wife, his other wife, The one that lives in Canterbury, near Dover. He said something along the lines of, 'I was going for the hat trick with Shazza.'

Tyson lost it and head-butted him and jumped on his chest. The bouncers chucked them all out and they carried on in the street. Deke was all bloodied up and ended up jumping in a taxi to the A&E at the Heath, Tyson went with him, by now calmed down.

Meanwhile, me and Ashanti are getting some good hot groin grinding dance moves going, I'm grabbing every man I can get my hands and snogging them. I's got one bloke trying to slip his hand up my skirt on the dancefloor of Evolution when my mobile goes. I stops to take the call and it's Tyson in tears telling me he's beaten the crap out of Deke and I needs to get to the hospital now.

I knows something gone wrong, I can feel it in me water - it makes me sick to the stomach thinking about it even now. Ashanti bundles me into a taxi and we gets to the hospital. Deke's sat in reception, face covered in blood, Tyson's stood on the other side of the room staring daggers at him.

By now I's all teared up and crying, not knowing what's going on. I looks at Deke and he can't look at me. I looks at Tyson and he comes over and starts screaming at Deke 'tell her you ****, tell her!' Security are getting jumpy so Ashanti manages to get Tyson outside. Deke finally tells me everything. He's married still, not once, but twice. One in the south of England, one in France and he can't help himself.

So now I'm screaming, pull his hair, thumping him and now Ashanti's back in pulling me outside. That was it, the wedding was cancelled, the ring returned to Argos and I's never seeing that lying scum bag piece of crap again - and he's not going to be welcome when the baby's born.

I loved him so much as well. It hurt so much at times. All the times I thought he was off on big hauls, he was with his other women. I feel sick thinking about it. I can't believe how stupid I've been. I just can't. I tell you more in time, but I'm just sick to the stomach still. I'm crying again now. I'm going back to bed, I've enough valium and vodka to last me to the weekend. I'll get back to you soon.