Meet The Family And The Chav Mum Team
Well, this site is brought to you by a lot of other people other than just me, although I'm the only one who can do the typing as I'm the only one who can spell. First up is the Bates household and then some of my friends and the extended family. They're what makes me write this stuff so it's only fair they gets a mention.
Me - Chav Mum | Tyson | Tia | Nanna | Dazza | Ashanti | Ashanti's Kids | Aunty Bob | Goth Family
Shazza Bates aka Chav Mum
Age: 32 - but I looks more like I'm 29.
Likes: Drinking, smoking, shouting house, shopping, sitting on the sofa, dating, Trisha, Club Rumours, sleeping in, Usher, Gavin Henson, Charlotte Church, Johnny Depp, Lambrini, gravy and chips, Barry Island.
Dislikes: Work, bills, parking, exercising, cooking, ironing, disciplining the little shits.
About Me: Born and raised in Ely, Cardiff - I was lucky to get out of doing my exams by way of the fact I was knocked up at the time with Tyson. Ever since then I've made me council home the centre of everything Burberry and fashionable here on my estate. One drunken encounter with one of three blokes back on the Millennium and out popped Tia Marie and my works been cut out since keeping house and home together on the DSS. Don't mean I don't know how to party either. When I kick me heels, them boys come running.
Tyson Cruise Bates, Saxo King, First born and still running
Age: 15
Likes: Fast cars, shiny blue lights, alloy wheels, brand goods, bling, polished bodywork, bongs, posters of big breasted plastic tarts, bangin' drum and base, the draw.
Dislikes: Goths, school, being civil, discipline, da law.
About Him: Tyson is me little angel, he can do no wrong in me book, no matter what the police say. It was hard for him growing up without a dad, but what with a line of fine temporary dads over the years, he's learnt all the skills a man needs around here, plus he's a wizard with a screwdriver and a cold cathode. He's not around much, but when he is he's either stoned or drunk - but I can't complain because at least he's got a hobby. I think he's doing alright though, he has some well-off friends I think, as he's always coming in with stereos, mobiles and laptops, they he said he's borrowed of them. Its good to see him breaking out into social groups I never had the opportunity to enter.
Top ^ | Me - Chav Mum | Tyson | Tia | Nanna | Dazza | Ashanti | Ashanti's Kids | Aunty Bob | Goth Family
Tia-Marie Bates, Sugar Plum Fairy, Supersized mini-me
Age: 5.
Likes: Mcdonalds, chips, pink things, crisps, chocolate, staying in eating, cartoons, ponies, princesses, sitting on other children until they cry or turn bright red.
Dislikes: Exercise, vegetables, fruit, being called Tub Girl, sleeping, bathing, gym.
About Her: I was on form the night I got her, it was Millennium night, I was rat-arsed and I was the bell of the ball (3 times, bathroom, back garden after the fireworks and on the pile of Kappa coats on the bed.) We've never had the money to see who the father actually was, but that's alright because I only see one of them regular, and I'm not actually sure we really did something. But he seems to think he is the father. But still, he works in B and Q so I get cheap paint and light fittings. Phew - I just came over all flustered thinking about that! The school where she's just started Reception Classes seems to think she has a weight problem, but I just think she's big boned, I'm sure it was a misunderstanding when she ate the other children's food.
Nanna Jonesy - Queen Of The Chip Pan
Age: Ancient.
Likes: Boiling, frying, talc and swearing.
Dislikes: Anything else.
About Her: Nanna is me rock, she's always there for me, unlike me mam who pissed off with a sailor when I was small and left me with nanna. I learnt everything from her - how to fry salad, how to boil beetroot and most importantly, how to get away with murder using just a discarded M&S till receipt and a fainting fit. Always there to look after the little 'uns when I want to go out on the piss. We loves you Nanna.
Top ^ | Me - Chav Mum | Tyson | Tia | Nanna | Dazza | Ashanti | Ashanti's Kids | Aunty Bob | Goth Family
Dazza Smart - King Of The Carling Black Label, Occasional Dad
Age: 30.
Likes: Prison food, badly spelt tattoos and Carling Black Label.
Dislikes: Freedom, commitment, sanity or reason.
About Him: Dazza was me first love, and the one that got me knocked up with Tyson. I remember it well, it was a school party, Salina's 15th, too much Red Dragon Cider, a quick how's your father on the floor of the bathroom followed by nine months of arguments and 15 years of not knowing if he was in nick or Nicola. No love for the man now, but he is Tyson's father so we do have to let him come in the house occasionally, which is usually followed by more arguments and Aunty Bob coming round with a baseball bat. They say you never forget your first love, but believe me, I have tried.
Ashanti Reynolds - Best Friend, Appetite For Men
Age: 33.
Likes: Chips, Bingo, shagging, bling-bling, slapping blokes around and getting well drunk.
Dislikes: Exercise, healthy options and her kids.
About Her: When I first moved into this estate, Ashanti was the first of my neighbours to greet me and make me feel welcome. The fact she called around to both welcome me and borrow a tenner for bingo was beside the point - we remained firm friends ever since. There's only been a few slap fights along the way, but we always make-up, because we have too - we live next door to each other. Its fair to say that 'Shanti's a big girl, in fact there two of me in her, but that doesn't stop her going after the lads. Any lads in fact. And she's good at it as well, just not the contraception end of it - which is why she has six nippers running around the place, each with a different dad. That'd explain why she likes her comfort food so much.
Top ^ | Me - Chav Mum | Tyson | Tia | Nanna | Dazza | Ashanti | Ashanti's Kids | Aunty Bob | Goth Family
Ashanti's Kids - Six Of The Worst
Age: 4,5,5,6,8,14.
Likes: Chips, screaming, throwing stars, air rifles, fighting, psychological torture.
Dislikes: Discipline, sleeping, homemade cooking, peace and quiet.
About Them: Cai, Tyler, Kieran, Callum, Wesley and Vinny, or too give them their proper title, the horde of darkness. Ashanti's kids can often be found playing in the streets nearby, their favourite games include bricking cars, setting fire to stuff and jumping goth kids. Despite each one having a different father, they all think with on common mind. Its main preoccupation is to eat, like their mum they have big appetites and big bones to match. I don't always remember which one has which dad, so Christmas times are interesting to say the least. Ashanti certainly keeps the lady at the post office busy with all them payouts.
Aunty Bob - A Woman In Half A Man's Body
Age: 50.
Likes: The smell of woman's perfume, the feel of silk, protecting his niece with a baseball bat.
Dislikes: NHS refusing to pay for his op, only being half a woman - estate attitudes to his sexuality.
About Him/Her: Aunty Bob's a funny one. From the middle up he's all gal, but from below the belly, well, he still ain't. He's one of the butchest woman I've ever seen, like Danny-La-Rue after 10 years of Steroids and working on a dock. Remarkable since he was once a marine and has killed people with his bare hands. Its hard to look at those hands when the nails are all painted up and realise what those hands once did. He's not been a happy man since the NHS refused to finish his surgery after a bad psych report. He's still saving to get the final little snip, but in the meantime his testosterone comes in handy when Dazza or any of the other local nutters come around causing aggro. Bob's fiercely loyal to my kids and me to the point where if he ever saw his sister, my mum again, he'd probably throttle her for leaving me with Nanna when I was a nipper. That or ask to borrow her best top.
Top ^ | Me - Chav Mum | Tyson | Tia | Nanna | Dazza | Ashanti | Ashanti's Kids | Aunty Bob | Goth Family
The Goth Family - Oh We Wish It Could Be Halloween Every Day...
Age: The undead have no human age.
Likes: Red Velvet curtains, complaining, new age stuff, burning virgins, worshiping Satan, the Sisters of Mercy.
Dislikes: The day light, us, Ashanti, the estate, tidy music, decent films.
About Them: You can bet if people are having fun down our street that this lot will want to spoil it. Just because the lady of the house works on the checkout at Tesco and the man works in the Virgin Megastore, they think they're better than us. Their son is just starting GCSEs so they think they's something special, but Tyson and everyone else on the estate has him running for his life, long leather coat flapping like Batman's cape, on an almost daily basis. Serves 'em right. Would it kill them to smile and say hello once in a while? We all needs to keep it real and live in peace, but this lot can't help but look on the darkside.
Chav Mum's Latest Posts
| RSS Feed | Subscribe With Bloglines (Free)
- Peace On Earth, But No Goodwill To All Men - Jan 01, 1970
- The End Of Welsh Burberry - Jan 01, 1970
- Nice Bit Of Action - Jan 01, 1970
- To Hell With You Deke - Jan 01, 1970
- Broken Hearted Single Mum Seeks Honest Man - Jan 01, 1970
